[ Is he ordering a tasteful-looking faux leather photo album off Amazon right now? Maybe. They should have a baby book, too, right? They need one of those little books where they write down every first experience.
He's also trying to decide just how much is too much in a text message. Not that he's ever been in the mood to self-censor, but he knows how deeply the wound runs for Scully. Why twist the knife? ]
Even when he was with us, I was never really a father to him. I wish we could have had more time.
[ It's a deep wound, and and old one that never healed well. Maybe that's why she's the one picking at it now-- it doesn't feel right, carrying on trying to ignore it.
Maybe it's the first time she's felt they're strong enough to face it like this. ]
You hardly had time to get used to the idea. I've spent so long wondering if I could have done something differently.
[ Have they ever talked about that, how long he spent trying to see other possibilities? All the Monday-morning quarterbacking he'd tried to do, all the ways he'd tried to play things out differently in his mind. ]
I should have found a way to stay with you. We should have gone on the lam together. If I could go back and do it again, I would never have left you.
[ There's a long pause, his own endless rounds of typing and then stopping, then typing, then stopping. A dozen things he starts to say and then erases. ]
I think that you and he have a connection beyond sharing DNA. And if he can feel even a fraction of what you feel every day, then he must know you love him, and that you want him to come home.
[ Because he's scared. Because he's stubborn. Because - and Mulder's pretty sure he can never voice this one - they screwed things up so badly without knowing it that they'll never see it again.
He wants to believe it's some combination of the first two reasons. He's afraid it might be the last. ]
I had such a powerful sense that night of being in the right place, the right moment. There were so many things that brought us there- a lot of terrible things too- but I knew, then, it was the only way we could have gotten there. That night, the two of us, on your couch.
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I wish it could have been like this for William.
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[ Is he ordering a tasteful-looking faux leather photo album off Amazon right now? Maybe. They should have a baby book, too, right? They need one of those little books where they write down every first experience.
He's also trying to decide just how much is too much in a text message. Not that he's ever been in the mood to self-censor, but he knows how deeply the wound runs for Scully. Why twist the knife? ]
Even when he was with us, I was never really a father to him.
I wish we could have had more time.
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Maybe it's the first time she's felt they're strong enough to face it like this. ]
You hardly had time to get used to the idea.
I've spent so long wondering if I could have done something differently.
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[ Have they ever talked about that, how long he spent trying to see other possibilities? All the Monday-morning quarterbacking he'd tried to do, all the ways he'd tried to play things out differently in his mind. ]
I should have found a way to stay with you. We should have gone on the lam together.
If I could go back and do it again, I would never have left you.
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Maybe it's foolish to think like this. We did the best we could, and it wasn't enough. Maybe it was never going to be enough.
I want to believe he knows we miss him. Is that foolish?
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[ There's a long pause, his own endless rounds of typing and then stopping, then typing, then stopping. A dozen things he starts to say and then erases. ]
I think that you and he have a connection beyond sharing DNA. And if he can feel even a fraction of what you feel every day, then he must know you love him, and that you want him to come home.
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God, I hope so. I really do.
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[ Because he's scared. Because he's stubborn. Because - and Mulder's pretty sure he can never voice this one - they screwed things up so badly without knowing it that they'll never see it again.
He wants to believe it's some combination of the first two reasons. He's afraid it might be the last. ]
When he does, we'll be ready.
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We know what that's like.
[ But she still hates not knowing, not being able to talk to him. Not having a chance to explain or apologize or-- mostly-- just to listen. ]
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I guess we just have to believe.
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And I've been practicing.
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Feels like I've been practicing all my life for William. I just didn't know it.
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We're not trying to figure out what happened. We're trying to figure out what happens next.
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And I didn't think I could let myself want this.
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But maybe we'd never have gone back to work and seen what we've seen.
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There were so many things that brought us there- a lot of terrible things too- but I knew, then, it was the only way we could have gotten there. That night, the two of us, on your couch.