jowls: (Default)
old man mulder. ([personal profile] jowls) wrote2023-02-04 07:31 pm
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open post.


Leave prompts, you'll get nonsense.
rockitlike: (but do you find the change in season)

[personal profile] rockitlike 2023-04-27 02:31 am (UTC)(link)
It's a poor choice of test, because she scoffs in a way that's unreadable: she could be dismissing the tape, or the idea of his decorating, or his taste in posters. (It's his taste in posters; she doesn't think they need more Bigfoot in their lives, okay.) At the very least it's not the awkward silence that would imply he'd greatly overstepped.

(Maybe if he agrees to frames, like a civilized human being.)

"I promise it's more comfortable when it's not on fire." She shoots a look at him, trying to ferret out how he's feeling about all this. An apology for never asking him over is on the tip of her tongue, but she's not sure how to say it-- not sure whether she ought to.
rockitlike: (how to make a garden grow)

[personal profile] rockitlike 2023-04-27 12:03 pm (UTC)(link)
The real truth is, she doesn't mind his eclectic, chaotic style. Not really. It's cozy in its way, and she finds it reassuring the same way she finds him reassuring. When he was-- while he was gone, she'd kept his apartment more or less as it was, spending time there because she was comfortable there-- until anxiety and hormones and the boredom of being too big to be active had driven her to keep it cleaner than it had been, probably, in his tenure. But whether it's the house or their basement offices, Mulder's spaces feel like an extension of him, and she does appreciate that.

But it's been nice, too, to have the contrast of a neat, orderly home of her own. It's not that she wants an escape, exactly, or even that she prefers the neutral veneer of it, but it's grounding. It's the desk there was never room for. It's the control group for her thoughts.

She eyes him thoughtfully.

"I thought maybe I'd get another dog someday."

Not as romantic as I always hoped we'd get back together, which would be nice to be able to say but isn't strictly true. But surely it's better than I thought I'd move someone else in eventually, right?
rockitlike: (first prize exhibit)

[personal profile] rockitlike 2023-04-28 02:40 pm (UTC)(link)
She gave up on happily ever afters as a rule, a long, long time ago; where they are now is more than she'd let herself hope for. That doesn't mean she never wanted it, but experience had driven her back to old habits. She'd have called it pragmatism, though self-denial is probably closer to the truth. If she couldn't have what she wanted, why let herself want?

"Queequeg, Daggoo, Tashtego," she counts off half-absently. "Arguably Fedallah, though that seems like asking for trouble." As if any part of her favorite book isn't tragic, but that's neither here nor there. This conversation isn't a real conversation anyway, just verbal filler papering over their nerves.

It seems like it should be easy in theory: they can go back and forth, they can be together or apart, but still together. She doesn't sacrifice connection to a community, he doesn't have to feel permanently stifled. What if he hates it there, though. Or what if I can't share my space.

All of these are terrible questions with terrible answers. Determined not to ask them she shifts her weight instead, leaning inward rather than toward the door, and lays her hand on his leg.
rockitlike: (how to make a garden grow)

[personal profile] rockitlike 2023-04-28 07:58 pm (UTC)(link)
It's harder than ever to keep secrets from each other. It feels fair; it's never ended well when they've tried. She can read his tension, even if she can't interpret it fully. That's a function of distance as much as anything; understanding his mood needs more context than she's got, data locked away in the time they spent apart. It doesn't mean she's lost the knack, really.

She doesn't move her hand.

"Do you even want a dog? You hated poor Queequeg."

It's like a weird, unspoken parody of conversations they used to have before. Do you ever think of settling down? Getting off the road? A family, a dog, a picket fence? Move to the suburbs and stay together forever?
rockitlike: (if you lean on me)

[personal profile] rockitlike 2023-04-29 01:57 am (UTC)(link)
It's possible that her love for Queequeg, like Mulder's disdain, is tangled up in more than the dog itself; a brief and tragic friendship, a remarkable experience, the whole mystery of what happened with Bruckman. And the circumstances-- the unexpected predator at the lake-- it was a lot, at the time.

It's an old scar now, a dull pain she doesn't need to revisit; just a pang in bad weather.

"You have to know what you're getting into with a dog in the suburbs. You need to know which neighbor you're trying to annoy so you can pick the right one."

She flashes a smile he won't see, but that doesn't matter. Hopefully he gets the idea that terrorizing the neighbors can be a couples' bonding activity.
rockitlike: (but do you find the change in season)

[personal profile] rockitlike 2023-04-29 03:24 am (UTC)(link)
"No, not yet. I don't know them well enough."

Which is a bit of a paradox, she knows; maybe what she needs is not community but the illusion of it. She does like having neighbors even if she doesn't engage with them.

(She likes the idea of jumping ship when she gets tired of them, though-- driving out to the house, falling asleep on the sofa watching old Twilight Zone tapes while Mulder talks in hushed tones about his favorite scenes. She likes, best of all, the idea of not having to choose. But it only works, she thinks, if he can stand to cook in her kitchen sometimes, or roll his eyes and be scarce for a couple hours while her book club meets. Sit in front of the gas fireplace petting whatever dog ends up suiting the right flavor of vengeance.)

"So take notes, if any of them do anything."
rockitlike: (and you think it's most unlikely)

[personal profile] rockitlike 2023-04-29 04:07 am (UTC)(link)
He can pick up a pack of underwear at the drugstore. There may or may not be some very old shirts in her drawers that originated in his drawers, years ago; she's taking the fifth on that.

"What about a Siberian husky-- have you ever heard one?"

Her place isn't ideal, but it wouldn't be too cramped for a big dog. And the house would be a perfect place to run. She's not particularly serious about it-- well, she's half-serious about a dog, and totally serious about not knowing what she wants. But Mulder is engaging with it, and that much is promising.

As they pull up, she's actually starting to feel mildly optimistic, her nerves dissipating. She ought to get keys made; show him all the alarm codes. Even if he doesn't want to stick around long, in the end, she misses the sense of security that gave her back when they each had their own places.

She peers critically at the condo.

"It does look like they cleaned up," she says approvingly.
rockitlike: (but do you find the change in season)

[personal profile] rockitlike 2023-04-29 05:50 pm (UTC)(link)
"Mulder."

It's more amusement than admonishment, though, a fond verbal eyeroll. They could certainly piss off the neighbors that way. But, she thinks, her bed is much more comfortable.

"It didn't, it started in the restaurant." Stepping out, she goes to grab her minimal luggage, fishes in her purse for the keys. "Though this was a decisive battle."

She heads to get the door, gritting her teeth against the alarm. That might have to go, honestly.
rockitlike: (once the sun is gone)

[personal profile] rockitlike 2023-04-30 01:24 pm (UTC)(link)
It's not like the old days; she misses the background hum of a neighborhood, but she wasn't itching to go back to apartment life. It's just a different balance between privacy and isolation.

"The alarm code is 0223. As long as it's in the mood to cooperate." She drops her purse on a side table, and takes a moment to look things over, trying to see it with fresh eyes.

"I like to keep it near. Ah... living room, kitchen..." She waves vaguely. "We'll probably have to empty out the freezer, I'm sure it's a mess. Bedroom's this way."
rockitlike: (first prize exhibit)

[personal profile] rockitlike 2023-04-30 03:10 pm (UTC)(link)
It's not a surprise that he connects the dots on the code, but it's quietly pleasing, considering how often over the years the day passed unmarked. Knowing Mulder he'd have remembered immediately even if it was random, after all. Last time they were here, picking delicately through the wreckage, it felt much more odd-- she felt like a stranger herself, the most familiar part of it being at a crime scene with Mulder. Now, it looks like her home again.

She never really intended to shut him out of a part of her life, but there wasn't an easy way to invite him in. But it hadn't been sustainable, trying to keep Mulder at arm's length. It doesn't feel like an intrusion, though; a little peculiar, but not bad. She's glad he's here. He's very welcome.

"Right? This side of the house had less damage, but I'm impressed."

Her bedroom is... well, the same neutral as the rest of the house, in most ways; earthy colors and soft light, neat as a pin. In a way not so different from her old apartment, though with less ruffles on the bedspread. She stoops to slide the lockbox under the foot of the bed, and absently smooths a hand over the taut sheets there. She ought to vacuum soon; no chance in hell is she getting another robot one to do it.

"I... well." She keeps almost apologizing for never having him over, but she doesn't really want to. Sorry isn't quite the right feeling. So she shrugs instead.

"Here it all is."
rockitlike: (once the sun is gone)

[personal profile] rockitlike 2023-05-01 01:18 am (UTC)(link)
What's next? Good question.

It should be what she wants-- to have, well, whatever she wants, and to have him, too. Maybe she's just not used to the idea yet. The ascetic habit takes some time to break.

He doesn't look out of place here. That's a good first step.

She bends to kiss him, lingering and lazy. Just because she can. Because she wants to.

"Up for clearing out the fridge? That's probably the worst thing to get out of the way."

It's the practical answer-- get that done and then linger over the rest, make lists, order dinner, fall into bed. But she's not going to complain if he'd rather kiss her again instead.
rockitlike: (and the pressure's on)

[personal profile] rockitlike 2023-05-01 02:49 pm (UTC)(link)
It might not be legally binding, but it feels significant. They've never been much for making things official; their relationship has fallen out of order; devotion coming before romance, commitment before the question. From the outside it might make their bond seem ill-defined, but she's never thought of it that way; Mulder is a universal constant, a part of her life, no matter what you call him.

"We'll need to," she agrees. Today they can get something delivered, tomorrow they can go for breakfast, linger over coffee someone else made. Good food with no dishes is one of the charms of not living out in the sticks, worth taking advantage of. Maybe she's trying to make it seem a little more appealing, who knows.

Trailing into the kitchen, she takes a moment to wrap an arm around him, lean against him, before pulling the freezer open. The good news is it got turned back on, at some point; the less good news is, everything is definitely spoiled and somewhat stuck to the shelves.

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